JOKE ARCHIVE

A Broader Selection For Your Leisure

Playing by Ear – My dad likes to amuse my two-year old daughter by “magically” pulling quarters out of her ears. On a recent trip to the store, she spotted a gumball machine and immediately began asking for money. I explained to her that the machine needed a quarter and I didn’t have one. Wasting no time, she replied, “Well, look in my ears. Papa always finds money back there.”

Big Date – A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. “The evening was a disaster, he moaned. “Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother. “Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook…”

Only the Best – My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One afternoon, we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, “Unleaded-Super. The best you have. And check the oil, please.” The man found the car needed a quart. He asked, “What kind do you use?” “I just want the finest,” she said. “Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water.” “What does it take,” the attendant inquired, “Perrier?”

For Twenty Dollars – “Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?” “Certainly not.” “If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty salon.” His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?” “He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow’.”

Bad Hair Day – “What happened to you?” asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. “Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, “Well, Honey,…at least you tried.'”

Old Friends – Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore. “As I get older, he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cries. “I’m so sorry for you, as I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jamie. “Yes, but your husband is an antique dealer!”

Not So Dumb Blonde – I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then, one of my co-workers (she’s blonde…it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing. “Shhh,” I said, “I’m a light bulb – I’m acting crazy to get a few days off, because there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday.” A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed. :You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed.” With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker stood up, started following me and the boss asked where she was going. “I can’t work in the dark.” she said.

Tired Minister – A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.” An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened…not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down, calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?” The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The minister’s quick-thinking wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

What a Night – On Saint Patrick’s Day, an Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. “So,” said the cop to the driver, “Where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub, of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink tonight.” “I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

The IRS – The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year and you want to know how I made $80,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.”
“Oh, that.” the owner said smiling. “It’s a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.”

Alligator Teeth – A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. “What is it made of?” she asked. “Alligator’s teeth,” the Indian replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”
“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”

Stuntmen – A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

Weight Watching – Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a large pair of slacks.
“Wow,” the lady said, “I must have worn these when I was 200.”
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, “How old are you now?”

Captain’s Log – The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship’s log. He read the Captain’s entry for the day: “The First Mate was drunk today.”
“Captain, please don’t leave that in the log,” the mate said. “This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself.”
“Well, is it true?” asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
“Yes, it’s true,” admitted the mate.
“If it’s true, it has to stay in the log. That’s the rule. If it’s true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!” said the Captain sternly.
Weekly later, it was the first mate’s turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: “The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today.”

Newlywed Repairs – A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Oh, just forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes, I know. And it’s lucky you have!” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!”

Playing Footise – While I was preparing dinner one evening, my six-month-old daughter, Keri, began fussing in the next room. Christina, my four-year-old, offered to go give Keri her pacifier. After several minutes passed, I called to Christina, “Did you put the pacifier in her mouth?” She replied, “No, Mom. She likes my toe better!”

A Lesson Learned – While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl who was about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”
“Yes, that’s right,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

Dress Up – A little girl was watching her parents get ready for a party. When she saw her father donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache next morning…”

I Say Potato – One spring day, my husband was talking on the phone with our five-year-old granddaughter, Erika. He asked her if her mother had planted the garden yet, mentioning that she should plant potatoes so they could have French fries. With a slight laugh, Erika said, “Pop, you know French fries don’t come from potatoes. They come from McDonald’s.”

Good Pig – A young gentleman sitting at a bar with this pet pig asked for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say “Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later, my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn. He came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son.” “Well,” said the bartender, “I guess this pig is very special so I’ll get him a drink. By the way I noticed he’s missing one leg, what happened?” “Well,” said the young man, “When you got a pig this good, you don’t eat him all at once!!!”

Jackpot – While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a woman would take her 4-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day, the woman found her daughter staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As her mother braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions, the girl merely turned and whispered, “The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!”

Digital Generation Gap – A computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college became keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between his younger and older students. His observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into their library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. “What are all these books?” he asked.
Somewhat surprised, the instructor replied that they were encyclopedias. “Really?” he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?”

The Milkmaid and the Bull – While a farm girl was milking a cow, a bull tore across the meadow toward her. The girl did not stir, but continued milking. Observers, who had to run to safety, saw to their amazement that the bull stopped dead within a few yards of the girl, turned around and walked sadly away. “Weren’t you afraid?” asked an observer. “Certainly not,” said the girl. “I happened to know this cow is his mother-in-law.”

Cowbot Wannabe – More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually, he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance.
“This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.”
“I see,” said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”

Lost – Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day, they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine directions – moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp. “That was terrific,” she said, impressed. “How did you do it?”
“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”

Gray Hair – When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents: “Dear Mom & Dad, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too.” I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. My father’s response was in the form of a poem:
It’s a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair
He signed off with this observation: “That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!”

Stress Relief – As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. 
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. “How old are you?” I typed. 
“Twelve,” he replied. “How old are you?” 
Feeling my face redden, I answered, “Ten.”

University Parking – A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space, the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty space. He also found that he could “re-use” a ticket by putting it back under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these is recommended.)

Big Sissy – One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn out the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug, “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy!”

Misunderstanding – A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her that this was wrong, she must say “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not…”

Easy Operation – A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?” 
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘it’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be alright.'” 
“She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?” “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

Off Duty – An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate. 
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for the third time, at an even slower speed: same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them that their machine wasn’t working properly. 
A few weeks later, the police officer received an envelope from the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a seat belt.

Dirty Magazines – Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, a marine called home to tell his wife he would be late – again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon’s quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. His wife launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at their previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. The marine listened calmly and then explained “Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned.”

Good Morning – The professor walked into the first class of the year and said, “Good morning,” to the group. When students echoed the greeting, he responded “Ah, you’re Freshmen.” He explained. “When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they’re freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they’re sophomores. When they just look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, they’re juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they’re seniors. When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they’re graduate students.”

Good Manners – Having moved into his first apartment, George and Georgette’s son invited them over for a visit. As they walked in, their son asked if they’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting herself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, Georgette said “Yes, what do you have?”
Her son walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”

Pretty Bird – A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He’s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, “Can the bird talk?”
The auctioneer replied, “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

A Walk in the Park – The other day I was walking in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.

Low Wages – A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Texas Wage and Hour Department came to visit, investigating a report that he was not paying proper wages to his help.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” demanded the agent.
“Well, there’s my hired hand, who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months. I pay her $400 a week, plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy his chewing tobacco.” answered the farmer.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” said the agent.
The farmer replied, “You’re talking to him!”

Slogans – A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. “Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘Come fly the friendly skies’?”
“United Airlines.” Joe answered.
“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, ‘Don’t leave home without it’?”
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
“Now, John…tell me who says, ‘Just do it’?”
And John answered, “Mom?”

The Princess – Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yonder castle with my mother. There you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t think so!”

A Wonderful Breakfast – A guest in a posh hotel restaurant called the head waiter over one morning. The guest said with a wonderful and cheerful smile, “Good morning, sir.” What a wonderful morning! I’d like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s runny, and the other so overcooked that it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; and I’d like some butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of weak coffee, lukewarm.”
“I’m sorry, Sir.” said the bewildered waiter. “We cannot do that for you.”
That guest replied, “Oh? That’s what I got yesterday?!”

The Vet – A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet places the dog on the examination table and examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and put the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the dog, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet tells him the bill will be $650.
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would have only charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests!”

A Raise – “I think I deserve a raise.” a man said to his boss. “You know, there are three other companies after me.” “Is that so?” Asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“Well, the electric company, the phone company and the gas company…”

Calling In Sick – Early one morning, Fred, who works in a funeral home, woke up his wife, Betty, complaining of severe abdominal pains. Betty took him to the emergency room where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
While they were waiting for results, Betty asked Fred if she should call in sick for him. He thought about it a minute and suggested they wait until they knew what was wrong.
The test results came back, and the nurse informed the couple that Fred was suffering from a kidney stone.
Betty turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, “Ma’am, he’s not THAT sick!”

The New Doctor – A woman went to the local medical center. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!”
The new doctor simply smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

Exiting the Bus – Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando, “When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

A Hearing Problem – A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.
“Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet away from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply, move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband went home and did exactly as instructed. He started off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables and said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. Then, fed up with the exercise, he moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Shoe Repair – Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready Thursday.” He said calmly.

In the Line of Duty – A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner, people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner…NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
“Pretty good,” chuckled the veteran policemen, “especially since this is a bus stop!”