JOKES, PUZZLES & STORIES

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Jokes

Fly Swatter
Louise came home and found Henry stalking around with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked. “Yep,” Henry answered. “Two males and a female.” “How can you tell?” “Well,” said Henry, “two were on a beer can and one was on the telephone!”

Seat Hog
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice, Sam replied, “The balcony…”

Rocky the Trick or Treater
One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as ‘Rocky’ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. “Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago” I asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel and I’ll be back three more times tonight too!”

The Nun and the Cab Driver
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers: “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m a Catholic too!” The nun says, “Ok, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child.” said the nun, “Why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I am a Baptist.” The nuns says, “That’s okay, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”

The Barking Dog
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 am by his telephone: “Your dog’s barking and it’s keeping me awake.” said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely 4:44 am, Bernard called his neighbor back. “Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don’t have a dog.”

Price Reduction
The minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.” From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”

Puzzles and Brain Teasers

Sodoku
A number placing puzzle based on a 9x9 grid with several given numbers. The object is to place the numbers 1 to 9 in the empty squares so that each row, each column and each 3x3 box contains the same number only once.

Sudoku2437easy

Sudoku2485Easy

Sudoku---2276E

Light-Hearted Articles

Dumb Criminals
In Redondo Beach, California, a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno’s suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving.
According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, “It came with the car when I bought it.”

A reward of $1,000 was offered for information leading to the capture and conviction of a man robbing taxi drivers. The man turned himself in and demanded the reward as a result. He received a 20 year sentence for aggravated robbery instead.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A teenager in Belmont, New Hampshire robbed the local convenience store. Getting away with a pocket full of change, the boy walked home. He did not realize, however, that he had holes in both of his pockets. A trail of quarters and dimes led police directly to his house.

A couple robbing a store, caught on camera, could not be identified until the police reviewed the security tape. The woman filled out an entry form for a free trip prior to robbing the store.

A man went in to rob a bank. He demanded the clerk give him all the money. They told him to go sit out in his car and they would bring him the bags of money. He agreed and went out to his car. In the meantime, the people in the bank called the police. When they got there the man was still waiting for the money and they arrested him.

Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you before.” Then he explained, “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me that you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on our right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”
“There is one other thing,” said the driver.
“What is that?”
“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”